《10到25岁》第三章(3)：意义之战，我想表达的和你理解的不一样

Human beings live in the realm of meanings. We do not experience pure circumstances; we always experience circumstances in their significance.

—-Alfred Adler, What Life Could Mean to You (1931)

人类活在意义的现实。我们并不体验纯粹的环境；我们总是在意义之中体验环境。

——阿尔弗雷德·阿德勒，《自卑与超越》（1931）

When Stanford University psychologist Geoffrey Cohen discovered the quintessential mentor-mindset practice—-wise feedback, with its appeal to high standards and high support—-he was trying to overcome what he and his collaborator Claude Steele called the barrier of mistrust. The barrier of mistrust applies to people who have less power in a setting, and then have their status or respect questioned. When this happens they tend to assume the most unfavorable and antagonistic reasons for the questioner’s behavior. With status at stake, they will dissect each word, looking for deeper meaning. When a student gets the compliment sandwich, they may think, My teacher praised me for my effort but not my ideas—-does that mean they think I’m bad at school? Or they may think, They said I need to get better at presentations. Does that mean they think I’m incompetent in general and don’t belong here? This barrier of mistrust can lead to a breakdown in communication when a higher-power person initiates a challenging conversation with a lower-power person. This is especially likely to happen to groups of people who have a good reason, based on past experiences of unfair treatment, to suspect they could be treated poorly. Because of the barrier of mistrust, small and seemingly minor details of the conversation can carry outsize weight and can powerfully influence motivation.

当斯坦福大学心理学家杰弗里·科恩发现典型的导师心态实践——智慧反馈，它既要求高标准又提供高支持——时，他正试图克服他和他的合作者克劳德·斯蒂尔所称的“信任障碍”。信任障碍适用于在某个环境中权力较小的人，他们的地位或尊重不甚明了。当这种情况发生时，他们倾向于假设用最不利和敌对的原因来解释提问者的行为。当地位受到威胁时，他们会剖析每一个字，寻找更深层的意义。当一个学生收到赞美三明治时，他们可能会想：“我的老师表扬了我的努力而不是我的想法——这是否意味着他们认为我在学校表现不好？”或者他们可能会想：“他们说我在演讲方面需要改进。这是否意味着他们认为我总的来说不称职，不属于这里？”这种信任障碍会导致当权力较高的人与权力较低的人进行挑战性对话时，沟通破裂。对于那些基于过去不公平待遇的经历，有充分理由怀疑自己可能受到不认真对待的群体来说，这种情况尤其可能发生。由于信任障碍，对话中微小的和看似次要的细节可能会被过分看重，并强烈影响动机。

Take the example of criticism on an essay. That’s not an objectively bad event. One could even argue that it’s objectively good. An expert has taken the time to help a novice improve, just like a good coach would. But the status-sensitive student will probe for signs of disrespect behind the criticism. They will assume the worst possible meaning—-that they are being looked down on or disrespected-—unless they are given a good reason to switch their default assumptions. The wise-feedback note was designed to take this problem off the table. It clarified to young people that they could presume positive intent behind the critical feedback. The note broke through the barrier of mistrust.

以对一篇文章的批评为例。这并不是一个客观上不好的事件；甚至可以反过来说，这在客观上是好的。一个专家花时间帮助一个新手提高，就像一个好教练一样。但对地位敏感的学生会探查批评背后是否有不尊重的迹象。他们会假设最糟糕的可能意义——他们被看低或不被尊重——除非他们有充分的理由改变他们的默认假设。智慧反馈便条旨在消除这个问题。它向年轻人澄清，他们可以假设批评性反馈背后有积极的意图。这个便条突破了信任障碍。

The barrier of mistrust helps explain the frustrating generational divide. It’s a war over meaning. Mistrust makes young people subtly read between the lines of each comment their elders make, trying to interpret the hidden implications of our words, to determine if we are disrespecting them or not. Young people focus more on the unsaid part than the said part. For instance, when a teenager’s mother asks, “Did you brush your teeth?” the child interprets it as, “I think you’re so incompetent that you won’t even remember something so simple as brushing your teeth”—-even though the mother never said the second part. Given that interpretation, anger makes sense. It’s humiliating to be told you’re incompetent—-even if the mother said no such thing. Likewise, if a manager asks a young employee to speak off script in a meeting with senior management, the employee may think it means, I’m trying to show everybody how much smarter than you I am, although the manager never said or meant that.

信任障碍有助于解释令人沮丧的代际鸿沟。这是一场意义之战。不信任使年轻人微妙地解读长辈每一句话的字里行间，试图解释话语中的隐含意义，以确定我们是否在轻视他们。年轻人更关注没说的而不是说过的。例如，当一个青少年的母亲问：“你刷牙了吗？”孩子会将其解读为：“你认为我如此不称职，甚至不记得像刷牙这么简单的事情”——尽管母亲从未这样说过。鉴于这种解读，愤怒是可以理解的。被告知不称职（尽管母亲没这么说）是令人羞辱的。同样，如果经理要求年轻员工在高级管理层的会议中即兴发言，员工可能会认为“你试图向大家展示，和我比，你有多聪明”，尽管经理从未说过或有过这样的意思。

There persists a disconnect between what higher-power adults intend to communicate when we speak and what young people hear us say. On the adults’ side, we think we’re doing everything for them while they don’t appreciate it. On their side, they think we’re disrespecting them and looking down on them. Young people reject adults’ advice, and adults cite moral decline among the young as the reason why.

在说话时，权力较高的成年人想要表达的内容与年轻人听到的内容之间存在脱节。在成年人这边，觉得已经为他们做了一切，而他们却不领情。在年轻人那边，认为我们轻视他们，看不起他们。年轻人拒绝成年人的建议，而成年人则把“年轻人道德沦丧”作为原因。

Can both sides—the adults and the adolescents—-win the war over meaning? They can with the mentor mindset.

双方——成年人和青少年——能否都赢得这场意义之战？使用导师心态，他们就可以办到。

The Definition of Mentoring 指导的定义

As I alluded to previously, here is how the U.S. National Academy of Sciences defines mentorship:

正如我之前所暗示的，以下是美国国家科学院对“导师制”的定义：

Mentorship is a professional, working alliance in which individuals work together over time to support… personal and professional growth, development, and success.

导师制是一种专业的工作联盟，在这种联盟中，多个个体在一段时间内共同工作，以支持……个人和职业的成长、发展和成功。

There are three things to notice about this definition and how it expands our understanding of the mentor mindset. First, consider the word alliance. In an alliance, both parties (the mentor and mentee) maintain their own independent goals and roles and identities. Mentorship is not a conquest in which one party (the manager or teacher) dominates the lower-power party (the employee or student), which is the intent of the enforcer mindset. A mentor-mindset manager such as Stef Okamoto (chapter 2), for example, does not coerce her employees to conform to her version of their goals, although her group does set (and meet) lofty goals. She and her mentees form an alliance.

关于这个定义及其如何扩展我们对导师心态的理解，有三点需要注意。首先，考虑“联盟”这个词。在联盟中，双方（导师和学员）保持各自独立的目标、角色和身份。导师制不是征服，其中一个方（经理或教师）支配权力较低的另一方（员工或学生），这是强制心态的意图。例如，像斯特夫·奥卡莫托（第2章）这样的导师心态经理，不会强迫她的员工服从她对他们目标的看法，尽管她的团队确实设定（并实现）了崇高的目标。她和她的学员形成了联盟。

Second, a mentor assumes future growth. Stef’s direct reports said that she saw them for who they could become, not who they were right then. A mentor wants you to meet a high standard, but they realize it takes time and development to get there.

其次，导师假定未来的成长。斯特夫的直接下属们说，她看到了他们“可能成为的人”，而不是他们当时的模样。导师希望你能达到高标准，但他们意识到这需要时间和发展才能实现。

Third, a mentor provides support—-both material (time, staff, coaching) and psychological (seeing someone as a person, not as a number or as a responsibility). This definition of mentoring anticipates how we can use the mentor mindset to help both sides win the war over meaning.

第三，导师提供支持——既有物质上的（时间、人员、指导），也有心理上的（把某人看作一个人，而不是一个数字或责任）。这个导师制的定义预示了我们如何利用导师心态帮助双方赢得意义之战。

Treaties, Not Truces 和平条约，而非停战协定

If the mentor mindset involves forming an alliance, then the natural response to the cross-generational war over meaning is to aim to sign a treaty, not a truce. With a truce, there’s usually a conquering victor and a surrendering loser. In that event, one side’s meaning has won out, usually through a show of force. A treaty is much better. With a treaty, both sides have assessed their needs. They have an awareness of what’s necessary for both parties to thrive despite potentially competing interests. They mutually agree on terms. Then they renegotiate as necessary, which means they must keep the lines of communication open.

如果导师心态涉及形成联盟，那么对跨代际的意义战争的自然回应是力求签署和平条约，而不是停战协定。停战通常有一个征服的胜利者和一个投降的失败者。在这种情况下，一方的意义已经胜出，通常是通过武力展示。条约要好得多。有了条约，双方都已评估了他们的需求。他们意识到，双方尽管可能有竞争利益，但共同的需要才促进繁荣。他们共同商定条款。然后根据需要重新谈判，这意味着他们必须保持沟通渠道的畅通。