《10到25岁》第二章(7)：三种心态从何而来，以及如何变成导师心态

Beliefs Play a Role 信念的作用

Read the sentence below and fill in the blanks:

Given that young people are _____________________________________________ , the best way to motivate them is to _________________________ .

阅读下面的句子并填空：

鉴于年轻人 _____________________________________________ ，激励他们的最佳方式是 _________________________ 。

Suppose you filled out the first blank with this: lazy, shortsighted entitled, overly sensitive wimps. How would you fill out the second blank? I’ve asked hundreds of adults this question. Most people say something like, Threaten them with the consequences of their poor behavior, or bribe them with rewards for good behavior. They don’t say, Treat them like responsible adults who can independently make wise decisions. Now suppose you filled out the first blank with: capable of incredible persistence, resilience, and accomplishment if they are given the proper support and encouragement. An entirely different set of actions would come to mind.

假设你在第一个空白处填上了这样的话语：是懒惰、目光短浅、自以为是、过于敏感的懦夫。你会如何填写第二个空白？我问过数百名成年人这个问题。大多数人会说类似的话：用他们不良行为的后果来威胁他们，或者用奖励来引诱他们表现良好。他们不会说：像对待能够独立做出明智决定的有责任感的成年人那样对待他们。现在假设你在第一个空白处填上了：如果有适当的支持和鼓励，能够展现出惊人的毅力、韧性和成就。你会想到完全不同的一套行动方案。

This exercise shows us the importance of beliefs in shaping our leadership styles. With one set of beliefs, one set of actions follow. With another set of beliefs, you get different actions. This simple fact helps answer an important question in the literature: Where do the different leadership styles come from?

这个练习向我们展示了信念在塑造我们领导风格中的重要性。有一套信念，就会有一套相应的行动。有了另一套信念，你就会有不同的行动。这个简单的事实帮助回答了文献中的一个重要问题：不同的领导风格从何而来？

Where the Three Mindsets Come From—and How to Change Them 三种心态的来源——以及如何改变它们

For a long time, the different leadership styles were thought of as just that: personal preferences, almost like personality traits, which couldn’t be changed. Research on the authoritarian personality, for example, seemed to imply that some people are just bound to be enforcers, some are bound to be permissive protectors, and there’s nothing that can be done about it. My research with my collaborator Carol Dweck shows that’s not the case. The different styles don’t solely come from immutable characteristics or ossified childhood experiences. They come, in part, from people’s beliefs. Because beliefs can be changed, then so too can the way we lead and inspire young people. This is the biggest reason why I don’t talk about styles, but instead talk about mindsets. Mindsets are worldviews that shape behavior and grow out of specific, fundamental, alterable beliefs. Beliefs are the antecedents of leadership styles.

长期以来，不同的领导风格被认为是个人偏好，几乎像性格特征一样，无法改变。例如，对权威人格的研究似乎暗示，有些人注定是要成为强制者，有些人注定是要成为保护者，不可以被改变。我与我的合作者卡罗尔·德韦克的研究表明，情况并非如此。不同的风格并不仅仅来自不可改变的特征或僵化的童年经历。它们部分来自于人们的信念。因为信念可以改变，所以我们领导和支持年轻人的方式也可以改变。这就是为什么我不谈论风格，而谈论心态的最大原因。心态是塑造行为的世界观，源于具体、基本且可改变的信念。信念是领导风格的来源。

I haven’t just seen this in my scientific studies. I’ve also directly experienced this in my own life.

我不仅在科学研究中看到了这一点。在我自己的生活中也直接体验到了这一点。

In my early twenties, before I became a scientist, I lived and worked in an orphanage in Talagante, Chile, called the Hogar de Nifios San Jose. I ran day care and educational programs for kids aged two to eighteen, working twelve-to-fifteen-hour days. In my mind, I was there to love and support the kids, not discipline them. I thought, They’ve been through so much, they don’t need me there getting them in trouble or telling them what to do. For example, one morning we took out every toy and created a massive obstacle course. For an hour it was joyous chaos. When it was time for lunch, nobody wanted to clean up. I let it slide. They went to lunch, and I stayed to clean. From then on, the kids walked all over me. I hadn’t upheld high expectations for collective responsibility, and they took advantage of it. Looking back, I had a deficit view, not an asset-oriented view. I thought of the orphaned children mainly in terms of what they lacked—love or a stable home—not in terms of what they could do if it was expected of them. This deficit belief pushed me into a protector mindset. I sought to protect them from anything unpleasant.

在我二十出头，成为科学家之前，我在智利的塔拉甘特的一个名叫圣何塞儿童之家的孤儿院工作。我为两到十八岁的孩子开设日托和教育项目，每天工作十二到十五个小时。在我看来，我是在那里爱和支持孩子们，而不是管教他们。我想，他们已经经历了这么多，不需要我在那里给他们添麻烦或告诉他们该做什么。例如，有一天早上，我们拿出了所有的玩具，创建了一个巨大的障碍课程。一个小时的时间里，场面欢乐而混乱。到了午餐时间，没有人愿意清理，而我对此无动于衷。他们去吃午饭，而我留下来清理。从那时起，孩子们就随意对待我。我没有坚持集体责任的高标准，他们利用了这一点。回想起来，我持有的是一种孩子有缺陷而不是资源导向的观念。我主要从他们缺乏的东西——爱或稳定的家——来看待这些孤儿，而没有想如果对他们有期望，他们能做什么。这种缺陷信念把我推入了保护心态。我试图保护他们免受任何不愉快的事情。

A woman in her forties, Tia (Aunt) Carmen, worked there too. (We went by tzo or t¢a at the Hogar). She had experience and could command a room. Her kids didn’t break the rules, they cleaned up, they didn’t fight. Tia Carmen never raised her voice. And the kids adored her. I vividly remember her legs enveloped in hugs from three-to-five-year-olds.

一个四十多岁的女人，卡门阿姨（我们在圣何塞之家都称她为阿姨），也在那里工作。她有经验，能够掌控局面。她的孩子们不违反规则，他们会清理，不会打架。卡门阿姨从不提高嗓门。孩子们都非常爱她。我清晰地记得她被三到五岁的孩子们拥抱的双腿。

One day Tia Carmen took me aside. She said, “Tio David, yo soy asi,” which means, “I’m like this.” Then she put her left hand out flat, like a road. With her right hand she did a karate chop on her left hand, making a perpendicular shape. She was showing me that she held kids to straight and narrow rules. “Pero les carino.” But I love them, she said. She was telling me to be firm but loving. She wanted me to have high standards and support. A mentor mindset.

有一天，卡门阿姨把我叫到一边。她说：“大卫叔叔，我是这样的。”她伸出左手，像一条路。然后用右手在左手上做了一个空手道的劈砍动作，形成了一个垂直的形状。她是在告诉我，她对孩子们的要求是严格而明确的。“但我爱他们。”她说。她是在告诉我既要坚定又要充满爱心。她希望我对孩子们有高标准和支持。这是一种导师心态。

A few years later, I had another opportunity when I took a job as a middle school English teacher in Tulsa, Oklahoma. About half my students came from neighboring farms, while the other half were recent immigrants from Mexico. My students had a wide range of English skills. I had the Tia Carmen mantra in my mind: Yo soy asi. I would show them the straight and narrow and hold them to it because I cared about them. I still focused too much on what struggles the kids faced—their poverty or low family education levels—but this time, I had different cultural role models in my mind. I thought about the tough, demanding teachers in poor schools, like in the movies Dangerous Minds or Stand and Deliver. My pendulum had swung in the other direction.

几年后，我又有了一个机会，在俄克拉荷马州的塔尔萨担任中学英语教师。我的学生中大约有一半来自邻近的农场，而另一半是最近从墨西哥移民来的。我的学生的英语水平参差不齐。我脑海中回荡着卡门阿姨的箴言：我是这样的。我会向他们展示严格的标准并坚持这些标准，因为我关心他们。我仍然过于关注孩子们面临的困难——他们的贫困或家庭低教育水平——但这次，我脑海中有了不同的文化榜样。我想到了那些在贫困学校里严厉、要求高的老师，就像电影《危险心灵》或《为人师表》中那样。我的钟摆已经摆向了另一个方向。

I spent each Sunday grading essays. I wanted my students to meet a high bar for excellence. I gave them lots of feedback. Even when their essays checked all the boxes for getting high Bs, I pointed out how their writing could be even stronger, more unique, publishable even. I imagined students would love me for it. I was treating them like adults who could have intellectual debates, not kids. I even had dreams of them celebrating me for those red marks on their essays! I was dead wrong. From their perspective, what did it feel like to get back the essays dripping in ink? They hated it. They felt mad. Wounded even. Usually, only about half my students revised their essays at all. The other half were content with their scores. They didn’t even want to look at my comments. I had failed the classic mentor’s dilemma, years before I knew about Geoffrey Cohen’s breakthrough research on wise feedback.

我每个星期天都在批改作文。我希望我的学生能达到卓越的高标准。我给了他们很多反馈。即使他们的作文符合获得高分B的所有标准，我也会指出他们的写作如何能更强、更有特色，甚至可以发表。我幻想学生们会因此而爱我。我把他们当作可以参与智力辩论的成年人，而不是孩子。我甚至梦想着他们为那些红笔标记而恭贺我！我大错特错了。从他们的角度来看，拿到满是墨水的作文是什么感觉？他们讨厌它，感到愤怒，甚至受到了伤害。通常，只有大约一半的学生会修改他们的作文。另一半人对他们的分数感到满意，甚至不想看我的评论。我失败了，这是典型的导师困境。多年后我才知道杰弗里·科恩关于智慧反馈的开创性研究。

There was a mismatch between my intentions and students’ perceptions. I tried to push my students to improve. When they didn’t revise, I thought they didn’t want to learn. But they perceived something different. They thought I was a jerk who disliked them and hated their essays and could never be satisfied. I misunderstood them; they misunderstood me. We all left the interaction crushed and defeated.

我的意图和学生的感知之间存在不匹配。我试图推动学生进步。当他们不修改时，我认为他们不想学习。但他们感知到的东西不同。他们认为我是一个讨厌他们、痛恨他们的作文、永远无法满足的混蛋。我误解了他们；他们误解了我。我们都让这次互动变成了崩溃和失败。

People trying in earnest to do their best can easily fall into the enforcer or protector mindset if they hold on to neurobiological-incompetence beliefs. I suspect that many people fall into the enforcer and protector mindsets with the best of intentions. We love our children, and so we are tough on them—or we go easy on them. These unhelpful mindsets don’t come from disdain or apathy, but from faulty beliefs, like my deficit belief about the children at the orphanage. These faulty beliefs set up entire worldviews that ensnare us, making it difficult for us to see the mentoring alternative.

那些真心尽力做到最好的人，如果持有神经生物学无能的信念，很容易陷入强制心态或保护心态，我怀疑许多人甚至出于最好的意图。我们爱我们的孩子，所以我们对要么对他们严厉，要么对他们宽容。这些无益的心态并非来自鄙视或冷漠，而是来自错误的信念，就像我认为孤儿院孩子们有缺陷的信念一样。这些错误的信念构建了完整的世界观，束缚着我们，使我们很难看到其他的指导方案。

The decision tree depicted in figure 2.3 shows how the enforcer and protector mindsets both grow out of the neurobiological-incompetence model. The belief that young people are incompetent leaves us with only one binary choice: Do we want to be tough or nice? Either we’re a drill sergeant or a softy. We prioritize either self-reliance or self-esteem. Full Metal Jacket or Ted Lasso (in the first season, at least).

图2.3中描绘的决策树显示了强制心态或保护心态，是如何都源于神经生物学无能模型。认为年轻人无能的信念让我们只有一个二元选择：我们想严厉还是温柔？我们要么是训练军士，要么是软弱者。我们要么优先考虑自立，要么优先考虑自尊。《全金属外壳》或《泰德·拉索》（至少第一季）。

Sometimes the same person can move through this decision tree in different ways. I see people (myself included) shift back and forth from enforcer to protector, or vice versa. Maybe We start out wanting to be nice, using the protector mindset, but then young people walk all over us. Then we slam the door shut and impose our will, using the enforcer mindset. Then we feel bad and return to the protector. Nobody likes this cycle, but it’s hard to escape when our starting point is neurobiological incompetence. Even great mentors slip now and then. They have their protector and enforcer moments.

有时，同一个人可以以不同的方式穿过这个决策树。我看到人们（包括我自己）在强制者和保护者之间来回切换。也许我们一开始想表现得温柔，使用保护心态，但随后，年轻人随意对待我们。然后我们砰地关上门，强加我们的意志，使用强制心态。然后我们感到内疚，又回到保护心态。没有人喜欢这个循环，但当我们开始于神经生物学无能模型时，很难逃脱。即使是伟大的导师也会偶尔失误，也有保护者和强制者时刻。

We can reject the neurobiological-incompetence model, as the new wave of scientists have. We can focus on young people’s strengths and assets, not their deficits. If we do this, then a third way—the mentor-mindset way—shows itself to us. Enforcers can build on their high standards by adding more support. Protectors can build on their care and concern by adding higher standards. Both are half-right, and so both just need to add one element to get it all the way right.

我们可以像最新潮的科学家那样拒绝神经生物学无能模型。我们可以关注年轻人的优势和资源，而不是他们的缺陷。如果这样做，那么第三种方式——导师心态方式——就会自动向我们展示出来。强制者可以在高标准的基础上增加更多的支持。保护者可以在关怀和关注的基础上增加更高的标准。两者都是一半正确，因此两者只需要增加一个元素就能完全正确。

Different children can even evoke different mindsets. One mother of two sons in their early twenties told me that she catastrophizes when it comes to her older son, worrying that nothing will go right for him. She takes the protector mindset with him, trying to solve his problems. Her younger son is independent and resilient, and nothing fazes him. She can take a mentor mindset with him more naturally. She worries less about his immediate safety. This mother is working on using the mentor mindset with both of her sons, but that means different things for different kids. With her older son, she needs to acknowledge his competence more. With her younger son, she needs to maintain appropriate supports to not veer into enforcer territory. The route to the mentor mindset can sometimes depend on the child.

不同的孩子甚至可以唤起不同的心态。一位有两个二十出头儿子的母亲告诉我，当谈到她的大儿子时，她会灾难化，担心他一切都不会顺利。她对他采取保护心态，试图解决他的问题。她的小儿子独立而坚韧，没有什么能让他不安。她可以更自然地对他采取导师心态。她更少的关注他的及时安全。这位母亲正在努力对两个儿子都使用导师心态，但这意味着对不同孩子有不同的做法。对她的大儿子，她需要更多地承认他的能力。对她的小儿子，她需要保持适当的支持，以免转向强制者的境地。通往导师心态的路径有时取决于孩子。

See table 2.1. It shows how a focus on beliefs solves the puzzle of where Lewin’s and Baumrind’s and Scott’s styles come from. The three different styles come from core beliefs, which lead to semicoherent worldviews and in turn set up patterns of interacting with young people. One idea flows into the other, which flows into behavior. That’s the power of a mindset.

表2.1显示了对信念的关注如何解决了勒温、鲍姆林德和斯科特的风格来源之谜。三种不同的风格来自核心信念，这些信念导致了半连贯的世界观，进而设定了与年轻人互动的模式。一个想法促成另一个想法，再促成行为。这就是心态的力量。

Table 2.1. The Three Mindsets: How Worldviews Flow into Behaviors

	ENFORCER MINDSET	PROTECTOR MINDSET	MENTOR MINDSET
Beliefs about young people	Immaturity makes them dangerous risks to themselves and others.	Immaturity makes them fragile and vulnerable if they struggle.	Young people are ready to accomplish impressive things with the right support.
Our role relative to young people	Insist on high standards and establish consequences for failing to meet them.	Protect them from discomfort (and don’t them stress them out with high standards).	Form an alliance to help meet a high and personally relevant standard.
Interpretation of a young person’s failures	Failures are signs of laziness, inattentiveness, or low ability.	Failures are debilitating and should be avoided.	Failures mean I didn’t provide the supports (social, emotional, or material) needed to meet the high standard.
Responses to a young person’s failures	I did my job, but they didn’t do theirs; dole out consequences and expect them to improve on their own.	Show compassion (and even provide excuses) but don’t pressure them to improve.	Presume positive intent and collaborate on finding the needed resources to improve.

表2.1 三种心态：世界观如何促成行为

	强制心态	保护心态	导师心态
对年轻人的信念	不成熟，使得他们对自己和他人构成高危风险。	不成熟，使得他们一挣扎就脆弱。	年轻人只要有适当的支持，就能取得令人印象深刻的成就。
我们相对于年轻人的角色	坚持高标准，并为未能达到标准设定后果。	保护他们免受不适（不要用高标准给他们压力）。	结成联盟，帮助达到一个高且个人相关的标准。
对年轻人失败的解读	失败是懒惰、注意力不集中或能力低下的迹象。	失败是衰弱的迹象，应当避免。	失败意味着我没有提供（社会、情感或物质上的）支持来达到高标准。
对年轻人失败的回应	我做了我的工作，但他们没做他们的；执行后果，期望他们自己改进。	表现出同情（甚至提供借口），但不施加改进的压力。	假定有积极的意图，并合作寻找改进所需的资源。

The notion that the different mindsets are worldviews—in that the lower rows in table 2.1 follow from the beliefs in the top row—is important because it suggests how we can start to change from enforcer to mentor or protector to mentor. We can adopt a different belief—a neurobiological-competence belief. If we do that, then the rest of the mentor mindset starts to flow naturally into our interpretations and behaviors.

不同的心态其实是世界观，即表2.1中下面行的内容源于最上一行的信念，这种想法很重要，因为它暗示了我们可以如何开始，从强制者转变为导师或从保护者转变为导师。我们可以引入一个新的信念——一个神经生物学胜任的信念。如果这样做，那么导师心态的其余部分就会自然流入我们的解读和行为之中。